Navigating Relationships as We Grow and Change
Since the time we are born, relationships shape so much of who we are, beginning with our caregivers, then our first friendships, and later, our romantic partners.
What I Believed Relationships Were
Growing up, I had many friends, and one or two best friends at a time. These were the relationships I believed would last my entire life, people I imagined walking alongside forever. We shared values, beliefs, and a sense of who we thought we would become.
I also grew up in a Christian environment where marriage was elevated as an important milestone. It was framed as a place of fulfillment, a partnership where two people would fully know, support, and walk alongside each other into their purpose. I didn’t necessarily see this modeled around me, but I believed it was possible. I assumed that, as people aged, they may have settled in their relationships, but that wouldn’t be my story.
In my 20s, I remember hearing about couples who had “grown apart.” Couples I admired. Couples who, from the outside, seemed perfectly matched. The idea unsettled me, especially after I got engaged.
I worried about it deeply.
I read, researched, and tried to understand how it happened. I wondered:
Did they become complacent?
Did they stop choosing each other?
Did they lose connection over time?
I came to believe that a lasting relationship required intention, presence, and care, that you had to actively guard against the ways things could fall apart.
What I am Learning They Can Be
Now, over 11 years into marriage and 14 years together, I can say this:
The person I was when I met my husband no longer exists in the same way.
I have evolved.
My understanding of myself has shifted.
What I need, how I communicate, and how I show up in relationships has changed.
The same is true for him.
When we met, we were young, enjoying life with limited responsibilities. We had never lived with a partner, never raised children, never carried the weight of major financial commitments. We stepped into all of that together, while also navigating our differences in how we experience and respond to life.
Fourteen years changes you.
And yet, so much of what we’re taught about relationships focuses on the beginning, the butterflies, the excitement, the romance. But many of us aren’t prepared for what it means to stay in relationship while becoming different versions of ourselves.
In the last few years, I’ve also been unpacking the systems that shape how I move through the world, patriarchy, white supremacy, and the ways they influence power dynamics, assigned roles within relationships, and our expectations, identities, communication, and sense of self.
That work doesn’t happen in isolation.
It shows up in our relationships.
It shifts how we see ourselves.
It changes what we tolerate.
It redefines what connection, care, and alignment mean.
So the questions become:
How do we stay in relationship while we are evolving, redefining ourselves, and reclaiming or redressing power we once gave away or never assumed?
How do we invite others into our evolution; while recognizing they are on their own journey?
And sometimes,
are we meant to stay at all?
These questions haven’t only shown up in my marriage, they have also shown up in my friendships.
I’ve lost friendships I once believed would last forever.
Not because of one moment, but because of differences in values, expectations, capacity, and alignment over time.
This was something I wasn’t prepared for.
In my 20s, I feared growing apart from my partner, but I never imagined I could grow apart from close friends. I wasn’t prepared for the grief that comes with that. The quiet endings. The unanswered questions. The recognition that love existed, and still, the relationship could not continue in the same way.
Reflections I am Still Sitting With
Over time, I’ve found myself sitting with a few realizations, ones I’m still making sense of:
We are meant to grow. Staying the same is not the goal.
Many of us were never taught how to communicate, repair, or renegotiate our needs within relationships as we evolve.
Growing apart is not always a failure. Sometimes, it is clarity. Sometimes, it is care.
And sometimes, leaving is necessary, especially when a relationship is harmful or no longer safe.
And still, none of this is easy and I don’t think there’s a clear or simple way to navigate it.
This is what we’ll be holding space for in the Sisterhood’s next circle on April 30th.
A conversation about how we navigate the relationships that matter to us, and how we move through the loss of the ones that no longer align or feel healthy, with honesty, care, and intention.
The Sisterhood is open this month.
If this is something you’re currently navigating, you’re welcome to join us in conversation. Email queensconnected@gmail.com to be sent the Zoom link.